SANGE

SANGE is an acronym for:

• S : Simplicity
• A : Acknowledgment
• N : Needs of the situation
• G : Gratitude
• E : Exploration

In this technique, it is crucial to recognize that the person sincerely and genuinely wants to apologize for something. A lack of honesty will certainly be noticed, and it won't help truly repair/rebuild the situation.

When to use:

• When the mentee wants to repair the relationship with someone
• When the mentee wants to apologize and rebuild the relationship
• If something happened in your relationship that may have made the mentee feel bad because of you and you want to repair the relationship.

Props:

• Not required

Instructions:

For the purposes of presenting this tool, I will use a situation in which the mentor wants to apologize to the mentee to rebuild the relationship during the mentoring process.

Description of a sample situation:

During the previous session, the Mentee had a negative attitude towards the process, towards you, and towards the results, or rather the lack thereof, of the process so far. He denied everything you said. He expressed his dissatisfaction on many levels, from verbal to nonverbal.

For some time, the Mentor tried to "defend" the attacks and accusations, trying to understand the source of the Mentee's frustration. She asked questions to understand the problem, and at the same time, she felt a wave of frustration rising within her, stemming from the Mentee's lack of appreciation for her work, their collaboration, and the lack of any results.

After another offensive statement from the Mentee, the Mentor couldn't contain herself and said to the Mentee: "Your attitude is unacceptable, and blaming the lack of results is your fault and yours alone."

After these words, silence fell. The session ended in a rather unpleasant atmosphere, with a sense of regret on both sides.

Mentor - If this or a similar situation happened to you during the session, it's essential that you reflect on it, preferably under the guidance of someone more experienced, such as a Supervisor. This example of a situation is not an indication to end the process with the Mentee, but rather to consider why you reacted this way. Supervision is also a time to vent the words and emotions that accompany you in a given situation.

“S” - Simplicity

This means that your apology should be simple and short. Don't explain yourself, don't focus on justifications or excuses for why you said/acted the way you did.

Examples of Mentor Phrases:

• I apologize for what I said at the end of our previous session.
• I'm very sorry for the words I said in our previous session.
• I want to apologize for what I said. You didn't deserve it.

Then allow the Mentee to respond. There may be silence here, and it's important not to interrupt that silence. Give the mentee time to express what they want to share with you in response to your words.

Mentee Phrase Examples:

• You're right, what you said wasn't okay. I'm working on this process. I just had a weak moment and moments of doubt.
• Yes, it was unfair. You know I'm working on this process. I don't know what happened that day.

A – Acknowledgment

Acknowledge the other person's feelings in this step. Try to put yourself in their shoes and consider how they might have felt.

Mentor Phrase Examples:

• You must have felt hurt.
• You must have felt unfairly treated.
• You must have felt guilty.

Here again, give the other party space to react. Your assessment of the Mentee's feelings may have been off, but that's okay. The point is to try to understand and show the Mentee that you're genuinely trying to understand how it affected them.

Examples of Mentee Phrases:

• Yes, I felt guilty about what happened.
• No, I actually felt angry.

N – Needs of the situation

Here, you need to focus on the context of the situation we're in, what needs arise from it, and what the relationship requires to achieve the goals. In this step, we emphasize "we" rather than "I."

Examples of Mentor Phrases:

• I believe that there is still much good/effective/satisfying in this process.
• We have a long way to go, we still have a few meetings ahead of us, and I am convinced that there is still much good/effective/satisfying in this process.

Again, leave room for reaction. Don't rush, don't force, don't add to your statement.

Examples of Mentee Phrases:

• I agree and would like to continue this process. I'm very curious to see how it will end for me.
• Yes, that's true. We've come a long way, and I hope there is still much good ahead.

G – Gratitude

In the SANGE model, it's important to emphasize appreciation, highlighting a person's talents and strengths. Think about what you'd like to express gratitude for in this situation. Think about what you've gained and learned from this situation, from this person's involvement.

Examples of Mentor Phrases:

• The truth is, you're doing a great job. You take on challenges, sharing the difficult and the good. I see that you truly care about your development and that you always keep your goal in sight.
• I'm incredibly proud of you. You're doing a great job, and moments of doubt can always arise. I admire your determination to achieve your goal and the effort you put into it.

Don't expect anything in return from your Mentee. Once again, give time and space to react. Observe what happens and then accept it.

Example Mentee Phrases:

• Thanks. What you say is important to me.
• Thank you for your words and for walking with me on this journey.

E - Exploration (Deepening)

The final step is about finding ways to prevent similar situations in the future. Consider what you could do differently next time. Remember that this entire process is about sincerely repairing the relationship and is focused on cooperation, mutual understanding, and appreciation for the efforts of both parties.

Mentor: I assure you that next time I feel frustrated, I will simply share it openly instead of saying things I don't mean. I will do everything in my power to prevent this from happening again!

Mentee: And I'll try not to be as grumpy as I was last time 😊.

Mentor: So, a virtual coffee together?

Mentee: Sure!

Note that in the situation described, the Mentee, through self-reflection, could also successfully use this method to apologize to the Mentor. However, we decided to demonstrate this technique from the Mentor's perspective, because, as a rule, this is the person taking responsibility for the process and often has more experience.

If the Mentee addresses the need to repair the relationship during the session, for example, with someone from work, share the SANGE technique and suggest the Mentee practice the individual steps with you.

Own work based on: "Coaching with the Brain in Mind: Foundations for Practice" David Rock, Linda J. Page